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  • Writer's pictureJennifer Klesman, LCSW

Questions We Ask After a Breakup Part 1

Pondering questions after a heartbreak with a breakup

After a breakup, we are flooded with questions. Our lives are turned upside down in ways that we never saw coming and all we want are answers to make sense of it.  However, at the same time, we are working to stay away from our exes to heal. We tend to think that getting answers to our questions about the breakup will bring us closure, but that is often not the case. It is also important to note that many times our exes don’t even have the answers to these questions themselves.

So here are some general answers to your questions that stemmed from breakups. Answered as an outsider looking in. I have no horse in this race so I aim to be unbiased, although of course I always aim to be kind, but honest.

"Why did you break up with me?"

This is asking for clarity which if you’re asking this then either the breakup itself was more vague than clear or you feel the explanation given isn’t enough.  Regardless of which situation you’re in, the most straightforward answer has already been given to you: their actions. They left. They ended things. They no longer want this relationship. That’s all of the information you technically need. It feels unfulfilling but at the end of the day, and once time has passed, you really don’t need more than their actions. The details tend to fade into the background the longer you’re apart. 

"Do you think of me when you’re with your new girlfriend/boyfriend?"

Yes, most likely. Even if they jump into a rebound relationship, they are thinking of you. How can they not? We naturally compare our most recent romantic relationship to the one we're now in because its our last point of reference for such a relationship. Things also remind us of our last partner all of the time: songs, places, foods, shows, etc. So it is impossible that they don't think of you.

"How many were there and when did it start?"

This type of question only leads to more questions when looking at it from the outside: Do you really want to know this?  What difference does it make?  There was clearly one and that is enough if the relationship ended. Sure, you feel betrayed if there were multiple, maybe more so in some cases, but ultimately the end result was the same.. It draws out the time that you're going to question the reality of the relationship. In the end, there was some point where the relationship was good and some point when it wasn't, we think knowing will help us be able to trust again in the future when it is rarely that clear cut. This is a question that only leads to more pain when you get the answer

"If they were just looking for a bit of fun for a while, why did they introduce me to their friends/family?"

This is a great question. First, they may not have had the foresight you're possibly giving them credit for. They may have just been having a good time and taking the realtionship day by day and the introducing you to people close to them just happened along the way. Second, they may not value this step in a relationship the way that you do. This is a signfiicant act for a number of people, but not for everyone. To them it could have been no big deal and not meant anything. So try to not read too deeply into this.

More questions and answers to come!

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